Glory Journal April 10, 2002

(Community : Story of Glory Hom)
Glory's Diary,

Have I told you how weird I am? I’m so weird I’m afraid to admit….even to myself! Let me explain. Just now, I was in the bathroom thinking & going over some stuff that’s happened recently… I mean I tell myself that I juno why I wont to do chemo so much, but deep down inside I know. Like when this all started this year, if the doctors had just told me that I didn’t need chemo. I would’ve been happy I just would’ve continued with my normal life! Even when the doctors mentioned the slight possibility that it might be cancerous, I was upset that this cancer would disrupt my life. But that wasn’t the case….the doctors (Dr. Healey) the doctor, I felt pressure because I didn’t know which to believe…well I believe my doctor, but I didn’t want to “ignore” my mom either. I talked to Dr. Myers(MSKCC) he confirmed what I needed to know, that I needed chemo & another surgery. So now I know what I have to deal with, what’s in front of me….I’m starting to adjust to the knowledge that I won’t be in school for a long while until I knew how I react to the drug….Preparing myself mentally….learning about the catheter…thinking positive thoughts to make chemo seem Okay …but then 1 day before the surgery, the doctors at Cornell says that they dun see cancerous cells…next day, find out those slides were the “good” ones…so dun get hopes up….following day “the bad slides might not be so bad” so maybe I dun have to do chemo. But it’s been switching back & forth & I’m soooooo confused! I mean now that I’ve considered it…chemo might not have been so bad…it would’ve been a now, different experience….& I could’ve done independent studies & stuff. However, I guess I was getting, or would’ve gotten too spoiled if I actually went through with it. So I guess God didn’t want that to happen, & I guess I wanted chemo so I could experience it & have something to put on my applications & I guess that would’ve been selfish of me. Sorry sight….so what am I to think now? Do I want it or not?

This is driving me crazy.