Glory's Diary - Date: 3/29/2005

(Community : Story of Glory Hom)
Glory's Diary, suffering, painful, faith,

I’m in so much pain right now, I can’t even describe, my pancreases is giving my lower right abdomen pain. My platelets are so low that I have bruises on my belly and arm. I was really scared that I had internal bleeding. I wonder how much longer I will be in pain. I feel like I want to give up some times. I prays but it doesn’t seem like God’s answering any of my prayers. I just want this to be over. It seemed like a miracle that me mom was a 8/10 match for me. But today we found our that she’s not a good match, maybe 7/10. But if you ask me, if I am in remission, which I really hope I am ‘cuz I don’t think I can take any more chemo, I’m still going to take my mom’s bone marrow, I know the risks are high but I’m willing to take the chance. If God wanted me to be in heaven, I would’ve been already there. Maybe God wants to prove His awesome power to handle the situation.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what God might want me to learn from this situation. I’m so exhausted, sometimes I wonder if it’s worth living, Yes, suicidal thoughts, Everyone tells me now brave or strong I am. But I really that strong? Am I patient for my pancreas to get batter.

I keep on thinking about food. Any kinds of foods and Jello, Scallion pancake, rice cake with sweet sauce, Pizza, cookies, chicken nuggets, cheese burger, Fries cheese. The list goes on. I hope my counts (lipase & amylase) goes down tomorrow so I can at least get some jello.

I try to be active-working around the floor to help with my pneumonia but it doesn’t seem to help & my feet are swollen – probable from lack of activity. But with my pancreases hurting so much I don’t think I can take it , plus my platelets are really low right now so I don’t want to injure myself.

Dear God, you know the condition that I’m in and my life and body is in your hands. Please have mercy on me and take away all this painful, it is in your will because you def. have the ability anyway. I’m asking for my white blood cell to go up higher so that my body can fight off my pneumonia and the pancreatitis. I pray that you give mom peace and faith, Lord, even though I am in pain, thank you for giving me a peaceful heart to know that you are in control of all things. Please accept my small small faith and have mercy on me. You are the healer and you have the power to make me feel better, in all things, I’m trying to suffer in humility and what ever happens to me, I am grateful to accept as your will for me. I pray all these in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, Amen.

Even though the footprint in the sand is in Spanish, but I know that you’re carrying me & is with me always. Thanks you God.

I pray that you will bless me with rest. I’ve been having trouble falling asleep. I’m pleasing for you, Lord God to ease my pain. I can’t even lie down on the bed w/o hurting. Lord, you are almighty, and you are the only one I can rely on to heal me. Lord please take away the pancreatitis. I’m asking for a miracle not because I need to prove you are God, but because I just want to get well & be able to be myself Lord not in suffering. Sorry I had the wrong attitude before when I said “well God better give me a bone marrow donor if I’m going get this disease” I was wrong, please forgive me and mercy on me.