Journal April 17,2002

Tomorrow’s the big day, surgery day. I’m getting the broviac catheter put in, kinda nervous. An extra “body part” that will need special treatment. Any way, so I was just thinking why do I feel so rebellious against God. I mean like I believe in Him & knows he’ll keep me safe but for some reason I’ve been feeling re   to think about God. But I just thought of something, maybe it’s cuz I’m a teenager now & I think I can handle it all & don’t need anyone to help but it’s not true & that’s why I’ve been “avoiding” God, because it tells us that we need to rely on Him for help & strength lately, I’ve been feeling depressed because I’m expecting the worst from the chemo to the surgery. “ Expect the worst, hope for the best, “ But I couldn’t hope for the best & I was scared to rely on God cu right now I dun feel His presence with me. This is really scarely. What have I done! Or am I just a lunatic thinking crazy stuff. I just want to live a simple non-complicated life. Even if I still had cancer, I wish I could just be simpler in mind & thinking.