May 26, 2005 Glory's Diary

(Community : Story of Glory Hom)
Glory's Diary, Glory's Story

I’ve been quite depressed lately. It just seems like there will always be an on stream of problems. My leg has been bothering me again. Last night it seemed as of part of the joint was sticking out. I don’t want to alarm anyone because I think it’ll go away. Soon and hopefully, Right now, I’m just blaming it on the weather. I don’t know why I feel depressed. It’s just that I can’t seem to enjoy doing things. I feel like staying out into space is just as ……pointless as reading. But I hate feeling dummy. Perhaps a part of me has already given up, staying towards whatever decision my parents make even though it’s “really up to me” in the end. In a way, I guess I just don’t want to be guilty of making the wrong choice again?? Sometimes, I do think back to the time when I got chemo for Osteo(bone cancer). What would’ve happened if I chose not to do chemo? Was I wrong to have trusted my doctors. Did the chemo contribute to my secondary AML? What would life be like now if none of this happened? Or if I chose not to get chemo the first time. That was for more of a preventative measure. Now I have to deal with decisions for life & death. How did I come to this point?

I feel like totally out of it. It’s great to have so many friends come visit & such …..but in whom can I pour out my deepest fears, who can understand my silent suffering? I suppose the only one is God. I know it says in the Bible not be envious. But there’s so many “normal” things I wish I had or could do. Like ride a bike or wear knee length skirts or be able to run & walk carefree. To be able to be like my friends, who can enjoy their regular life after they leave me in my hospital room. What can I say to my friend s so that they will understand? I do not & can only say…..hm…sorry …..or just simply sigh. In a way, I should be happy because I’m switching to Columbia to do the cord blood transplant. I think that there’s so much uncertainty in the future that I don’t even know how to make choices. I think perhaps I have given up. I don’t want to give up, just feel really exhausted. I don’t want to think anymore or decide anything or know anything. I’m sick of it. I’m so tired…..I want some sort of release.