My Cancer Relapse

(Community : Story of Glory Hom)
Glory, Cancer relapse, June treatment, Leukemia

On June 4th (a date marking sadness for many Chinese for over a decade), when Glory had her first regular check up after I brought her home from Boston for her summer vacation, her doctor already warned us of abnormality in her blood. However, we had to wait for the bone marrow report for more data. Four days later, Dr. Del Toro called for us to see him at the hospital. Of course, we knew in our hearts what to expect. While waiting to see the doctor, Glory’s mother set a positive tone for us to receive the bad news, “ Glory, regardless of what the doctor has to say, from when you were 14 till today 22, through putting up with treatments, you have fought to gain these 8 years of life, this in itself is amazing.”

After a casual greeting, the doctor went directly to the topic.

“Sorry Glory, it’s hard to believe your blood cancer would return after 2 years. For the last 2 years, your health has been good. But…..it has indeed returned. Normally a reoccurrence should take place within a year. It is very seldom that a reoccurrence happens after 2 years. The bone marrow report confirmed that your bone marrow is 80% taken over by cancer cells.”

As the doctor broke the news calmly, his tears fell. My wife handed him a tissue to wipe his tears.

“Glory, we respect your personal decision. You can repeat chemotherapy, after which, repeat a bone marrow transplant….or, you can refuse any treatment. We will respect your decision.”

Glory asked the doctor calmly, “If I receive chemotherapy again, can that guarantee that the cancer cells would not return?”

The doctor replied, “ I don’t know, there’s no guarantee.”

Glory continued, “If I refuse treatment, how much time do I have?”

“With the kind of mobility you have now, about 2 weeks.” He replied.

I thought to myself, does that mean she will then weakly lie down until she sees the Lord?

There was a silence. My wife began to cry. Glory cried, a sobbing of utter hopelessness. I have never heard her cry like this, a cry of helpless struggle against the closing in of death, a cry of bitter accusation towards God. My heart was pierced with pain, but I told myself I could not cry although I would love to. I wanted to embrace her and to comfort her. I wanted to tell her softly, “Do not be afraid, we will fight this battle one more time….”

Instead, she pushed me away. I understood how she felt, “ You can go fight the battle! The suffering of chemotherapy, the daily struggle between life and death, even if I pulled through this time, how much longer can I live?”

How easy it is to say, ‘let’s destroy all the cancer cells’. Even if we could, can she take the heavy dosage of chemotherapy and radiation of the entire body in the traditional procedure of bone marrow transplant?

The doctor and his assistant left the room, to give our family some private moments, to allow us to cry freely. This is a familiar scene. We went through this 4 times already. But this time was different. Glory went up to her mother, embraced her and cried. Her sobbing was bitter, anticipating a life and death separation. What else can I do? Glory knew her mother would be the saddest, she took the initiation to comfort her first. Does God truly love her so much that He’s in a rush to call her back?…can she stay a little longer?

A few minutes later, we decided to go into Chinatown for pearl milk tea. We chatted, we laughed….despite casual exchanges of conversation, every word was from the heart, “ Glory, although if you should depart first, Daddy and Mom would be very sad, but if we should go first, then you would be very sad!”

Glory asked, “ If I should go, how would you remember me?”

Without hesitation, her mother said, “ When I think of you , I will remember how charming and how lovable you were.”
I come to realization that, normally as parents and as a pastor, we equip people to live a ‘dazzling’ life, but seldom do we teach them how to face death with glamour. (Of course, this is not referring to glamorous funerals of the century). Rather than falling into the pit of bitterness, let us treasure the days we share together with joy.

Glory said, “Go to work. You should attend that wedding rehearsal you canceled on the couple. It’s a once a lifetime matter, do not let me hinder what needs to be done….And don’t tell them what happened, wait until Sunday. I will attend the Saturday wedding banquet. Do not let our sadness take away the happiest moment of their lives.”

I ask myself again, why can’t what we are going through be like merely a TV series---fictional characters, fictional events, after you view the series, you can forget about it totally….we can freely criticize the director for lacking creativity….the same old script that always says “how much longer do I have to live?”….we can criticize the actors from head to toe, are they fully into their acting….Little do we know, today, this is happening in our family.

To be continued…..