Nov.1, 2005 Glory's Diary

(Community : Story of Glory Hom)
Glory's Diary, Glory's Story

11/1/05

It’s hard getting sick at 20. The transition between being a teenager and an adult- independent. Sometimes, I think mom is hard on me about being on my own, but I have to agree with her. I have the same expectations for myself. If I were college, I would be “living on my own” well despite financial ties. But I would be out in the world – where –ever that may be & learning to live my own life. Then when I graduate, I would find a job- pay back my loans – be financially independent & be my own identity. Hopefully the job would provide me with support to pursue a higher education & so forth. But mow that I’m sick, I’m stuck in this weird transition phase, but I’m still “growing up” in my mind – just not in ability.

The reasons why I’m suddenly thinking about this is b/c well….I just feel like my presence at home is adding to the tension. If I were at school, my parents would still be living under the same roof. My dad would not need to stay at the Ronald McDonald House with me. Life would go on as usual. I think mom is lonely at home by herself. And it’s hard not to feel guilty. Me being sick is the reason for all these problems. I’m like the unlucky star. I’m reading Job right now….and I can’t help sometimes but think that maybe his “friends” are right. As a suffer…. Is it b/c my actions/ thoughts are unpleasing to God…. And this is my punishment…. For what ever I’ve done wrong?! But if it were a punishment….I would know right? Human relations are complicated….. Human & God relationships are even more complicated. Sometimes….I just wish God would give me a road map that would tell me…okay when you’re this is how you’ll no longer live with your family and this is how you’ll live your life. So …. At least I have something to look forward to right. When I went to college, I thought you know….my life will start over now.

I think part of my stress is just being involved and a factor in my parent’s relationship. I just feel like college was the time when they’d have time together w/o me…..& I feel like I’m ruining that.

God, why are you so unfair to me? It’s not a sin to call you unfair….is it? You’re supposed to be a just God, Righteous. Why does everything happen to me? What do you want me to do? Why have you made me a spectacle…for others to watch me? To see me? To look at how I survive? I do not want to be that person. I don’t want to be a hero. God why me? I’m not as strong as you think. Don’t hate me. Are you there? Look what its done to my family…its split us up. How can this be the work of God?

Death, that does not scare me. What is worse than living in an unhappy life? Ten Commandments- Rules for living. Ha I still remember back in Sunday school when they told us rules were there to help make life fun. Because you would want us to enjoy it. Well I hate mine right now. And which laws have I broken. Why do you bother to pick me up after I fall just to push me down again. I’m weak…..but let me be. Don’t make me strong, it hurts too much.

Is it wrong to wish to live a happy life here? On Earth? If not….then I wish it be so….Is it wrong to not care about “storing up treasures in heaven” ….because I’m not much of an investor & I rather live a comfortable life now. If what I’ve thought was a sin, then please forgive me….but I’m naïve to the spiritual world & unintelligible I just want to live a normal life. yes, I have made a commitment to live the life according to you will, but I’m a coward and I want to back out. Non Christians lives better lives than I do. Why? Why is living the life according to your will mean that I have to suffer? I’ve probably sinned a thousand sins by having these thoughts, but God….you know my heart still calls you Lord. My Savior.

I’m just venting into my book of thoughts.

Because ….. you live hurts a lot.