1 John 4:19 “We love because He first loved us.”
I still dream that she will come one day and prod me awake from
my map on the Sci. Center Sage Lounge sofa, and it hurt, O Lord,
it hurts, when I wake up and she’s not there. The loss is so painful
and so real. I cannot walk up to Simpson West without thinking Glory
will see me from her window and open the door for me before I’ve even
knocked. But she’s not there and it hurts. I miss her.
I realized that I've never seen Glory ill. Literally. When she first
left us in my first year - I had no idea she had cancer - she just did
not come to Chinese class and I only found out later what she had.
When I left her last spring, on 2007 graduation day -- I had no idea it
was the last time I was leaving her. She didn't know then, and I didn't
either -- we were just going away for the summer. I was going home,
after such a long time, and she was going to do this internship at this
hospital in NY. I think I even said to her "See you next semester!"
There was no sadness, no goodbyes -- it was only for a little while.
It was so soon after that she found out and we all found out with her
(June 7) that her leukemia had returned.
I was so far away, in Malaysia, all I could do was pray. I couldn't even
visit her - though I wanted to very much. At first, I did not realize
the magnitude of what the return of her leukemia meant -- I thought that
she would just go for treatment and get better, just like last time and
maybe she would have to graduate with Jenny's class (2009) but I could
still see her.
But in the late summer, as I realized how much she was going through,
I resolved to pray everyday for her, that she would live - I was so afraid
she would go before I came back, I would not even let myself think it.
I wanted to will her to live - and I was to go straight to NY as soon as I
arrived back in the States.
I didn't even manage to pray everyday for her by name, such is my sinfulness.
When I arrived back in the States - I really did want to get on the first bus
and head down to NY, but I knew that wasn't practical, and by then I think she
could not have been able to have visitors for long, her chemo treatments were
starting.
So I called - the first precious phone call. I think she had visitors then when
I called and Glory knew I was using my calling card, and didn't want me to use
my money, so she said she'd call me back, but not before throwing in another
insult about how I was already slacking off from school already in my first week.
She started her treatment that week -- I knew this from her and from her dad's
blog. I didn't have a cell phone then -- so I was always afraid she'd call my
room phone and I'd missed it or I thought calling was probably the last thing on
her mind so no way I'd mind if she didn't call me back. I did try calling her back,
2 times I think, when I thought her treatment might be over (at night), obviously
I had no idea how chemo was like. I spoke to Ps Hom briefly once, and he told me
she was sleeping – it was all awkward-like, I forgot even to leave my name; but
it makes what happened next so much more meaningful.
School and the beginning of college life again caught me up and there were days
when I forgot to pray for her by name again. But there were others more faithful
than I, and when I saw Jenny's post updating us all about her condition, remorse
and guilt just hit me about how selfish I was and caught up in my own things and
Friday evening, retreating to my room before Bible Study at night, I repented and
tried to 'make-up' all the many prayers I should have prayed, sick at myself - so
selfish to the core. Repenting and repenting before God.
And then she called, she who had been in my thoughts for the hour gone -it was so
amazing - I knew who it was immediately - God knew who I needed. Glory's voice was
a little different over the phone, but it was still her. We talked for about -
I don't know - it seemed like about half an hour but it may have been shorter -
I talked about anything I could think of – she told me that the transplant had already
taken place. I was almost deliriously talking, anything that came to mind, school,
Wonhee, the weather, my time at home, talking about our moms, ABSK, jetlag. Then her
dad entered, and Glory said she had visitors coming ( I think now that they may have
been her doctors) and that she would have to go soon. And then she thanked me for
praying for her, "Thank you for praying, I know you have been praying."
Perhaps I sort of knew then, but I did not want to accept it, which was why I
continued talking as if everything was okay, as if this were not the last time;
I asked her which hospital she was in - I still have the address written in my memo
book - I did not want to let her go. Until finally she broke in and said, "Mei Ai,
I really have to go," - and I knew it was time to stop. "OK, take care Glory, take
care," and we ended, a little abruptly.
Ps Hom, you have no idea how your words comforted me the following Friday, when you
talked at the service about how Glory's thoughts was always turning to us, to her
friends, and wondering if there was anything she hadn't done yet. You said by Saturday
though, she was not able already to call people - but she did. She did manage to call
at least one, I'm not sure if there were others, but she called me, because otherwise
I would not have been able to let her go. It was then as you spoke that I began
to realize what she had done for me. She comforts me even now, from beyond the grave,
by what her last actions on earth were, by her love for me.
I had been descending into a mess of selfishness and self-pity, where I wearied of
caring for those around me - this still happens - but always, always those words
comfort me, that she loved me and that kind of thing doesn't change. Loved me enough
to care to call back, loved me enough to care about the friend that could not come
see her. I've never ever even seen her without her hair. 1 John 4:19 was the theme
for that little skit we were both in earlier this year, and John 13:34-35 is the
verse I had for this year. I can go on because she cared, I can go on because
He cares. Thank you for sharing Glory with us, that she has taught me so deeply
what the words of these verses mean. Our Lord Jesus knows what He is doing.
I pray I may not be unfaithful to her memory.